Sociologist Karl Marx pioneered in the development of the Conflict Theory, which is still an area of study in Sociology today. The Conflict Theory proposes that continual struggles do exist in all different aspects of society. These struggles need not necessarily be of a physically violent nature. Instead, such struggles can be alternatively viewed as the efforts of individuals and/or groups of people trying to protect their own interests and fight for benefits.
It is of no doubt that each and every one of us is living in a competitive society today. Let me provide more background information before I go on to quote my friend’s example to illustrate this competitiveness in a less serious way. According to the Chinese zodiac signs, year 1988 is the year of the Dragon and henceforth, the “perfect” year to have a baby. As such, there is a significant baby boom in the year 1988.
One day, during a casual conversation, my friend brought it up to me about being rather tired of competing for everything in life and here’s what she said: When we were born, I bet we had to compete for places in the hospital nursery. As we grow up, we faced such stiff competition in all aspects of education. Soon, we will have to compete for our jobs. We must be prepared to compete for hospital beds when we’re old and sickly too!
When there is competition, it is highly likely for human beings to have clashing interests. Conflicts arise when human beings compete to protect and try to maximize their personal or group benefits. However, interpersonal conflicts also often arise due to opposing views and values of people, and this following story concerning two of my old friends would perhaps demonstrate this very clearly.
Lucy and Betty have been friends since secondary school. Though they weren’t close, they had no problems communicating and befriending each other. Despite being in different junior colleges, they eventually landed up in the same university. More surprisingly, they ended up being residential hall room-mates even though they had many differences in their personalities and living habits.
While they were cohabitating for a year or so, Lucy had some issues with the living habits of Betty. For example, Betty often left the used butter knife dirty or the Milo cup unwashed after using. As a result, ants manifested and this troubled Lucy, who was rather particular in the overall cleanliness of the room. However, being roomies and “chin-chai” (the hokkien term for easy-going and not fussy), Lucy has decided to let it go and compromise. They still managed to get along pretty well.
They went on fine until this particular day. Hall stay was coming to an end and hall productions had just ended not too long ago. Betty, being part of the organizing committee for this production, called Lucy up, asking for her opinions on the play. Lucy felt the need to be honest when being sought for opinions. As such, she told Betty the good points of the play. In addition to the plus points, she went on to critique on the choice of music for the play and how it could have been better. Betty, being the one in charge of the choice of music for the whole play, flew into a rage after hearing that comment.
Betty, being a perfectionist and a girl with especially high confidence levels (or should I say egoistic), found criticism hard to accept, especially so when it came from someone she has been living and communicating with. As such, she stopped all forms of communication with Lucy. She even blogged a post directing at Lucy about how much Lucy has hurt her with her comments and she was glad that she would not have to see Lucy for the whole of the next semester at the very least. Lucy, having read the post and knew that it was directed at her, did not take any action to make up with Betty since she had already apologized for her seemingly harsh comments.
As of today, Lucy and Betty are still not on talking terms. This is getting a little disturbing for their fellow old friends (another girl and I) when it comes to arranging meet-ups. We always have to organize two separate outings just because Lucy and Betty cannot get along anymore.
However, being an old friend of theirs, I would very much want to see them talking and be friends again. But until now, I have no idea on how to go about doing so.
So my dear auntie(s) and/or uncle(s) agony of ES2007S, what are some of the possible solutions to resolve this conflict of mine?
[Edited Monday 31st August 11pm]
Dear Sherlynn,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading what you have to say, I must say I feel bad for you and your other friend, always juggling between two group meetings must be hard. Anyways, let me have an attempt here.
The major problem would be that the both of them (A&B) are not on talking terms after the incident. A wouldn't have any chance to correct herself because B would not want to talk to her. B might not be the one to blame, maybe A did not buffer up her criticism even when she knows that B is a rather sensitive person. She might also have channeled all her anger when given that opportunity given that she wasn't happy with B's habits all along. And B, might be too stressful organizing the whole event. Maybe everybody thinks it's bad, she just needed some positive opinion.
So, if you haven't hear them out individually, you and your other friend should do that. After that, maybe you can ask them if they are really still as angry at each other. Even though they might not want to meet due to self-pride, you can arrange a meeting for four of you. Bring them to a nicer setting so that they would not even think of yelling at each other in a nice place ;)
Maybe you can start with showing them pictures of you girls being happy in the past, or talk about some activity which is a common for all, your must-do-activity together. Prepare some questions and direct them to the topics you want them to discuss about.
If they are still really unsure about forgiving each other but appear to be 'flameless', I think you are almost there. Just organize more fun activities together and they will be okay.
To me, it's more of the pride in ourselves, the anger doesn't really stay that long.
Hope it helps.
Have a great Sunday.
I really like the way you open this scenario with a nod to Marxist theory. It's also interesting how you bring the discussion down to earth by mentioning your own friend's view of competition. With all that as background, you finally present the conflict scenario.
ReplyDeleteThis is when things get a bit confusing. I understand it all well enough, but I think the use of Girl A and Girl B is what throws my brain off at times. Who did and felt what? Wouldn't fictitous names have been a better way to label these characters?
I appreciate Audrey's commentary and look forward to reading more fromk others.
Thanks for this very good effort, Sherylynn.
Dear Brad,
ReplyDeleteThanks for pointing out the confusion. I reread my post and found out about it too, I've since changed the characters' names to fictitious names. Hope this helps the rest! (:
Hi Sherlynn,
ReplyDeleteI agree with audrey that perhaps both you and your friend should hear what Lucy and Beth each have to say about the matter. Even if you have heard parts of it before, it would be a good way to reopen the topic and broach the subject with them.
While they are recounting their side to the story to you, it may be good to point out gently how things might have turned out differently if they had used a different approach, or paid more attention to they way they communicated their opinions.
Eg: If Lucy started talking about how Beth was messy and unhygenic, and yet she was nice enough to put up with her, you could stop her gently and tell her that while you understand how hard she had tried to maintain the relationship, it would be better if she had told Beth how she felt. It is not fair to hold it against Beth as she may not realise how her actions have affected Lucy and was not given an opportunity to correct her actions. Try to emphatise with Lucy by agreeing with her, so that she would trust you and listen to what you are going to say.
The same goes when talking to Beth. Try to point out the fact that Lucy was just trying to be a good friend to her by giving honest opinions. Perhaps sentences like " Come on Beth, I'm sure you would also like Lucy to give you her honest opinions right? Like how a good friend would?" can help remind Beth that it was never Lucy's intention to hurt her, but to point out mistakes so that Beth would learn from them. That is what good friends do! To make it sound less of a sermon, you can also use words like " i understand how it must have felt to hear criticisms from Lucy, but it may have been ..." to soften her up and make her receptive to what you have to say! Let her know that you are not siding any one, but just trying to make them see where the other is coming from.
Maybe after one or two such sessions, both of them would be more appleased. It would then be a good time to arrange outings in a big group setting so that there would be some, but not overwhelming contact for the both of them. Gradually improve on it.
Hope it helps!
Regards,
Jasmine